Today was a hard day. I don't really know why. It has actually been kind of a hard week. I guess sometimes life just does that... we have our ups and then we have our downs. This week was a down week. I know things will look up soon though, so that is always a good feeling.
Earlier this week was the one year mark of Baby K's adoption placement. If you have no clue what I am talking about, click HERE. I had no idea that the day would be so hard for ME. I woke up and immediately said a prayer for my sister Laura. I knew the day would be extremely hard for her. I texted back and forth with her a little bit throughout the day and she seemed to be doing well. I found myself quite emotional all day. I would just start crying at the drop of a hat. And then I would be fine again. All the feelings and emotions of that day a year ago came flooding back. It was so insane to me. I seriously had no idea that it would be like that for me. It actually really surprised me. I felt so sad and had a lot of anxiety. It was as if I was in the hospital holding that sweet baby girl for the last time all over again. I really wasn't prepared for the way that I felt. I have really good co-workers. A couple of them kind of knew what I was dealing with and they were so good to give me hugs and words of encouragement. I am so lucky to work with great people. I talked to Harrison that night and expressed to him how crazy it was that I was so emotional! I told him that I finally understood a small part of what it is like when someone looses a close family member to death or some other tragic event happens to a person. The date becomes significant. Being in the hospital and being with my sister while she placed Kinley for adoption was probably the closest thing to a tragic sort of loss I have ever had happen in my life. I have had great-grandparents pass away but that is really it. I have never really had anything really sad or tragic or terrible happen to me in my life (which I am truly thankful for). July 9th was a hard day. It felt like saying good bye to Baby K happened only a few minutes ago and not a whole year ago. I wonder if it will ever really be different. I don't know if anybody really "gets over" tragedy like loss or something terrible in their lifetime. Sure, we learn coping skills and we learn to not have the event consume our life, but I think that a significant event like that just stays with us. We grieve for the rest of our life. I am learning that.
I was very sad to hear of the verdict in the Trayvon Martin case this weekend. I am not here to get all political or preachy, but I will give you my quick opinion. I believe he was murdered and I feel that Mr. Zimmerman should have been found guilty of that crime. He was not. He was acquitted. This has weighed very heavy on my mind and heart. I have been very upset. I weep for Trayvon's parents. I weep for our justice system here in the United States. I have been just so sad. I know that things like this happen ALL THE TIME. And I know that if I let them get to me, I will be consumed and become a very sad and depressed person. I woke up today angry and sad. I wanted answers. I wanted understanding. I wanted peace.
I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who hears and answers our prayers. I knew that I was just not in the best state of mind this morning. I was so angry at everybody. I was thinking bad things about everybody in my life. All I could think of was negative thoughts and I just felt hate and despair. I knelt by my bedside and prayed to The Lord for peace. I prayed that I would find understanding for my anger. I prayed that I would have the anger go away. I prayed for forgiveness. I needed forgiveness for myself for thinking so badly of those that I loved, and I needed to find forgiveness for others who I am holding grudges against. I prayed that I would find those answers at church today.
While I was in Sacrament Meeting we sang the opening song Come, Come Ye Saints. I found some of my answers in this hymn: