Today was a hard day. I had a bit of a melt down.
Actually- it was kind of a big melt down.
OK not kind of- it WAS a big melt down.
I was upset about my stress and was venting it (quite loudly) to Harrison this morning. I feel like I have lots of things to take care of. My mind is constantly going like 100 miles an hour and I don't know how to stop. For instance... this morning at one point I was thinking about the following:
I need to get ready
My hair doesn't have enough root pump in it and I can't back comb it very well
How am I going to get my hair done so it doesn't look a mess
I need to get to work
I wish I could just take the day off
If I don't work today my check will be too short
Do I have enough gas in the truck
Oh yeah- I filled up on Monday
I want to wear shorts today
I need to shave my legs to wear shorts
And I need sunless tanner so I don't look dead
I heard somewhere that shaving your legs in the morning isn't as good of a shave because your legs swell a bit while you sleep and the shave won't be as close
Frick- my shorts don't fit anymore
I need to go to the gym
When can I find time to go to the gym
Are my gym clothes clean
I wish weight would just fall off
Did I get the invites done for church
I need to make a couple of phone calls for work
Oh man- I feel like I am neglecting Harrison
What am I going to eat for breakfast
I don't want to make breakfast a big production because the floor is still being painted and I don't want to spill anything on the floor before it is sealed
I hate not having the kitchen all put together
Did I feed the cats
Do they have clean water
Man- I still haven't folded the laundry and so my clothes are all wrinkled in the guest room
I don't want to iron anything
Could I get away with wearing pajamas to work
Crap- I forgot to send the congrats card to Brok for his track meet
Am I a bad sister now that I didn't send that
I didn't call Charnae back
Freak- I am a bad sister
How is she feeling
How is Laura feeling
I am so glad I talked to her last night
How did she do on her test
I should have texted her to see
Did I email that X-ray over yesterday
Man it is getting late
My headache is coming back
My arm is so itchy
I think it is eczema but I don't know
How much is an appointment for a dermatologist
I wish this lotion would help it
Yeah- I thought about all of those in about 15 seconds. WHAT!? Now that I write it all out it seems a bit crazy.
Maybe I am crazy.
Anyway- I was sobbing to Harrison about how I feel about my stress level and all the things I have to worry about. I told him about how I view myself right now.
I feel like I am running down a road to catch up to something. I don't know what that something is. I can't see it. It is actually kind of dark in front of me. Almost like I am running into a storm or into the night. I am also running so that the "things" won't catch up to me. It would be bad if the "things" caught up to me.
Harrison asked, "What if you stopped running?"
I immediately said, "I can't stop. The "things" will catch up to me and crush me. I will be hurt if they get me."
We chatted (well he talked and I sobbed) about my stress level. Then he asked, "Well, what do you wish would happen on your run?"
I replied, "I wish that there was something that would block the "things" and I could just stop to take a break."
He said, "Well, who can save you or block you from the danger?"
"I dunno! ME!?"
"No Jaala, Jesus Christ can! He can stop the danger and give you a break! That is what the atonement was for."
He is so wise. I love Harrison so much. Then I just started crying more thinking that the answer was in front of me the entire time and I didn't even see it!
I need a break. I will pray for a break. But I really need to prioritize as well. I need to drop the things that don't really matter and also just take time for myself.
I feel better even now... that I have just vented.
Am I crazy? Do you feel the same at times? Should I just stop running??