Wednesday, April 18, 2012

What if I stop running??

Today was a hard day.  I had a bit of a melt down.
Actually- it was kind of a big melt down.
OK not kind of- it WAS a big melt down.

I was upset about my stress and was venting it (quite loudly) to Harrison this morning.  I feel like I have lots of things to take care of.  My mind is constantly going like 100 miles an hour and I don't know how to stop.  For instance... this morning at one point I was thinking about the following:

I need to get ready
My hair doesn't have enough root pump in it and I can't back comb it very well
How am I going to get my hair done so it doesn't look a mess
I need to get to work
I wish I could just take the day off
If I don't work today my check will be too short
Do I have enough gas in the truck
Oh yeah- I filled up on Monday
I want to wear shorts today
I need to shave my legs to wear shorts
And I need sunless tanner so I don't look dead
I heard somewhere that shaving your legs in the morning isn't as good of a shave because your legs swell a bit while you sleep and the shave won't be as close
Frick- my shorts don't fit anymore
I need to go to the gym
When can I find time to go to the gym
Are my gym clothes clean
I wish weight would just fall off
Did I get the invites done for church
I need to make a couple of phone calls for work
Oh man- I feel like I am neglecting Harrison
What am I going to eat for breakfast
I don't want to make breakfast a big production because the floor is still being painted and I don't want to spill anything on the floor before it is sealed
I hate not having the kitchen all put together
Did I feed the cats
Do they have clean water
Man- I still haven't folded the laundry and so my clothes are all wrinkled in the guest room
I don't want to iron anything
Could I get away with wearing pajamas to work
Crap- I forgot to send the congrats card to Brok for his track meet
Am I a bad sister now that I didn't send that
I didn't call Charnae back
Freak- I am a bad sister
How is she feeling
How is Laura feeling
I am so glad I talked to her last night
How did she do on her test
I should have texted her to see
Did I email that X-ray over yesterday
Man it is getting late
My headache is coming back
My arm is so itchy
I think it is eczema but I don't know
How much is an appointment for a dermatologist
I wish this lotion would help it

Yeah- I thought about all of those in about 15 seconds.  WHAT!?  Now that I write it all out it seems a bit crazy.
Maybe I am crazy.

Anyway- I was sobbing to Harrison about how I feel about my stress level and all the things I have to worry about.  I told him about how I view myself right now.

I feel like I am running down a road to catch up to something.  I don't know what that something is.  I can't see it.  It is actually kind of dark in front of me.  Almost like I am running into a storm or into the night.  I am also running so that the "things" won't catch up to me.  It would be bad if the "things" caught up to me.

Harrison asked, "What if you stopped running?"

I immediately said, "I can't stop.  The "things" will catch up to me and crush me.  I will be hurt if they get me."

We chatted (well he talked and I sobbed) about my stress level.  Then he asked, "Well, what do you wish would happen on your run?"

I replied, "I wish that there was something that would block the "things" and I could just stop to take a break."

He said, "Well, who can save you or block you from the danger?"

"I dunno!  ME!?"

"No Jaala, Jesus Christ can!  He can stop the danger and give you a break!  That is what the atonement was for."

He is so wise.  I love Harrison so much.  Then I just started crying more thinking that the answer was in front of me the entire time and I didn't even see it!

I need a break.  I will pray for a break.  But I really need to prioritize as well.  I need to drop the things that don't really matter and also just take time for myself.

I feel better even now... that I have just vented.

Am I crazy?  Do you feel the same at times?  Should I just stop running??


Laura Bowles said...

you are not crazy! i get like that a lot too. usually right at bed time making my insomnia worse lol. oh well. do what you can do and drop the rest!

Emily said...

Matthew 11:28-30

28 ¶Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

My all-time favorite scripture. I stress and I get depressed and I get frustrated that I can't ever seem to handle my life all the way. Reading this scripture always gives me the balm my soul needs. And then I forget again... But it's such a good thing to remember that Jesus Christ atoned for us and that we could lean on him, because we can NOT do it ourselves.

hwscutie said...

I have sunless tanner if you want some :) Impressive list in such a short time. I feel that way at night, and it keeps me up or if I go to sleep thinking I have strange dreams. You are not crazy! I am though because I thrive for lists like that and having a TON to do. When I have barely anything to do, I get depressed and just don't do anything or the very minimum I can get away with. Look forward to and don't stress about the craft night next weekend. It will be YOUR time, you get to catch up with friends, catch up on projects (crafting seems like it calms you and make you happy). I will try to be there, not sure though we might go out of town that weekend, haven't decided yet.