Monday, September 19, 2011

I'm tired!

like to the point of not being able to function or concentrate.  I hate that.  Harrison would probably argue that I say that I feel like that all the time.  Not all the time... but it's true this time.  I really am tired.  I have a bladder infection (yeah- like you wanted to know that).  Well when I don't feel great I just get grouchy, and mean, and whiny, and just plain hard to live with.  I feel bad that Harrison has to live with me when I feel like this.  He is a good egg for sticking around sometimes.  I don't mean sticking around like in a forever sense... just in a "man- if you are gonna act like this... I'm going to the library to study... or... I'm going to Dairy Queen to get a Blizzard WITHOUT you.. or something" kind of sense.  
I don't like that I get needy and mean when I don't feel good.  I have been praying for more patience and a better attitude.  Patience and endurance are the virtues I have the least of (is that a correct sentence). 

I have had some really sweet and tender moments the last little while.  I decided to type my journals in a Google Doc so that if the house ever flooded (which floods happen A LOT in Las Vegas just so you know) or if the house ever burned down (which also happens a lot in dry Las Vegas) my journals would be safe and I would remember how I used to be.  Well- I was stupid.  I mean when I was younger.  I really was.  Some of the stuff I wrote was really... well how do I say it... just freakin' retarded.  I am reading/typing my journals from when Harrison and I were dating/engaged.  Don't get me wrong- they are a riot to read but I was in that weird 20 years old age when I wasn't really an adult but I wasn't really a kid anymore either (but I was mostly a kid still).  It rakes on my nerves some of the things that I wrote.
Well- about the tender moments part.  Before I met Harrison I wasn't leading the best life.  I was kind of a sucky person.  What I mean by that is that I wouldn't let my kids hang out with me.  Anyway- I moved to Grand Junction, CO to start "a new life" (and to move close to my mom again who I had lived without for 3 whole months).  I had decided that I wanted to be a better person.  I decided to rededicate myself to my faith and to the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  It has been so wonderful to read some of those entries and in a way relive my "rebirth".  Here is one of the entries that I love:

Yesterday while I was getting job applications I listened to a talk by John Bytheway called “What I wish I’d Known When I Was Single”.  I have really enjoyed it.  I took him up on something he said and prayed to know if dating only Harrison was OK.  John said that if you don’t get a YES answer its OK!  It’s the NO answers to look for.  So- I have prayed and so far... no negative answers!  It is such a good feeling to know that I am doing the things that I should.  I told mom that its so easy to be good here.  I am surrounding myself with other people who are striving to CRT!  I never realized what I was missing.  I don’t ever want to go back to the way I was!  I love this feeling!  I am so very thankful to my Heavenly Father for giving me great opportunities to grow spiritually.

I wish I felt as strongly about things right now as I did then. I haven't lost faith or anything like that, but it seems that I have been just going through the motions so to speak when it comes to religion. Reading about my eagerness and excitement makes me eager and excited again. I feel like I am ready to dive into the teachings of the Lord and "go to work".

This is one of my favorite quotes from President Gordon B. Hinkley.

Well- I think I am going to go to bed. I am grouchy and grumpy. Oh- and I forgot to put mascara on before leaving to work. That kind of ruined my day (EVEN MORE)!! Harrison said the other day that I wear "safe" make up and it always looks kind of the same. He is right. I am safe. I am conservative in my make up (which I don't like about myself). Well this morning I thought to myself, "Self- I am going to be bold today! I am going to wear GREEN eyeliner!" So, I did dramatic (yet quite classy if I do say so myself) green and black smokey eyes. I was so involved in the "drama" of it all... that I forgot the mascara. MAKE UP FAIL!

Well anyway- there is my half whiny/half inspirational post for the day. It's time for me to go take my medicine that makes my pee Gatorade orange (again... I'm sure you didn't care about hearing that... but it's my blog and I can post what I want).



Maddie said...

yeah, I feel the same way with religion. You get in a funk and try to pop yourself out of it, but I feel like I'm waiting for some disaster to happen in my life so I can get that big ole spiritual boost. I'd rather not have to experience something horrible to get that though... Maybe I'll go look through my old journals, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna want to burn them!

Steph said...

Love this post!